Meditation

I've been reading about meditation. (I've mentioned that, haven't I?)

You use your breath as an anchor - a way to keep you present. Focus on the breath without forcing it. Stay present. Realize when you've wondered off and started planning dinner, take note and come back.

What I have trouble with is focusing on the breath without forcing it. I was heartened to learn that straying from the concentration on the breath is extremely normal, especially at the beginning. And it is a sign of progression. Before, you wouldn't even notice that your mind had strayed.

I approached my yoga teacher and asked her about focusing on the breath. She told me that just asking the question is a good sign. I'll take her word for it. ;) She had no advice, except to keep going. I will try. Are you with me?

I'd love to hear from somebody who is already practising meditation - just your experiences with the practise. Once I gather up my courage to start, I'll share my experience here. I promise.

Namaste

More fighting than peacing...

It's been awhile.

I've been busy but at the same time, I haven't been busy at all. I'm in the final stages of the application process. I have collected my reference letters and just have to finish the essay. The essay is proving difficult as I haven't written one of those in 10 years.

But that's it really. I've been doing a lot of reading. I've been reading about mindfulness and meditation. I've learned a lot. But I haven't been able to make the leap from reading to practice. I'm finding that I always have another excuse. Right now, the excuses are 1) I'm tired (which is a laughable excuse not to MEDITATE!) 2) I haven't finished the book yet. Also laughable since the book came with a guided meditation CD. I have no excuses.

That's all for now. Maybe I'll start tonight?

Joyful reunion, introspection & randomness

First and most happily, on Sunday I'm sure that most people heard the news that a missing boy was happily reunited with his family. This was the best news I could have heard. I'd gone to sleep sending out positive energy to the family since I'd heard of the story. 


It was also a day to remember those who lost their lives in the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon along with those who were able to thwart their hijackers and perished saving an unknown target. (Perhaps the target is now known.) I find this to be an odd day. I find that it is expected that one will flaunt their grief, despite not being personally connected to the events. For me, yesterday represented the anniversary of another sad event - the six month anniversary of the earthquake and tsunami in Tohoku, Japan. The very event that has driven me to where I am today - making preparations to go back.


So yesterday was a very happy, yet very somber day. Oddly enough, walking through my neighbourhood big box store, this quote jumped out at me, frantically waving to get my attention:


"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm." 

It is not known who came up with that little tidbit of genius. Something very important to keep in mind when the biggest problem one is facing is that they may have to stop buying so many lattes. 

Prayers and Positive Thoughts

It's been awhile since I've posted and I had a post planned out, but tonight I'll simply write that I'm sending positive thoughts to a family in great need. I'm praying for the safe and speedy return of a little boy to his family. If you read this, please take a moment to send them some strength as well.

Perspective

Perspective. (Warning: This post is pure stream of consciousness writing and doesn't follow any plan. And therefore, unless you're in my head, it may not make sense.)

It's all in the way we look at a situation, isn't it?

Right now, I've just written about my bathroom and I'm examining my response. My initial reaction? Oh no, we can't go to Japan anymore.Why is that my first response? I'm starting to realize that I've created a world full of artificial constructs and barriers.

No cushy, government job security? Nope, that 's no way to live.**

Not working 9-5 (err...8-4)? No, that's no way to live.

No guaranteed pension plan at 55? OMG, that's definitely no way to live.

**It could be argued that government jobs are not necessarily as secure anymore - but more so than other fields, for sure.

I've come to realize that the majority of the things that I reject out of hand don't actually apply to most people. I know that I've become dependent on security. And I think I know why, but I do have to acknowledge that this is an addiction. I've advised a few of my younger relatives/friends to avoid the allure of the fresh out of uni government job offer. I can think of nothing more mundane than to be tied to a job and a mortgage at the tender age of 22. Live life! Travel! Be poor! I gained so much perspective from these situations. And as a 20-something it was far more socially acceptable to not be married, not have kids, not own a house, not own a car, live downtown in a sketchy neighbourhood.

Without those experiences, I would be a totally different person. As I age and find myself further and further from those situations, I feel myself forgetting them. I forget how touched I was by every day experiences; how just meeting a person with a great spirit affected me or how simply biking to work made me feel optimistic about the future.

One of my strongest post-Japan memories is walking to work. I remember noticing details on buildings that I had never seen before. This was a walk that I had taken many times before, but this one time in particular, the city looked different. The way a town looks when you arrive in it for the first time - you know how towns change once you've been there for awhile and you get to know them? That was how I was seeing my neighbourhood. I had spent so much time examining such small details while I was in Japan because it was all new. I told my co-worker at the time and she said, in her deep, throaty voice,  "Jennifer, you're on a journey."

I scoffed at her at the time, because to be honest, I'd always thought she was a bit of a flake, but she was right. I was. And I still am. At times (now in particular) the journey feels like one step forward, about five back. But, I have moments of clarity. Especially with my son. At the risk of sounding like "one of those moms," he does remind me of those times. For now, at his age, there is no pretense. The world is how we present it to him. That won't last much longer, so if that means throwing my bag down on the ground and running down the street arms thrown wide apart, giggling like a fool, why not? Why does that voice in the back of my head get all cynical and scoff at me?

Psht. I will play with trains on the floor and pretend I'm a ticket taker. I will chug around the house, acting as the caboose.These are the memories that my son will have of me. He'll become cynical soon enough with the two parents that he has.

For now, I endeavour to adjust my perspective; to deconstruct the walls and barriers. It won't always work, I'm sure, but if I keep at it, the world will become my oyster. My family's oyster. My son's oyster. 

The Power of Om

Deep breaths, deep breaths, deeeeeeeeep breaths.

 

Om.

 

*chanting* I accept suffering as a part of life. Life is suffering. I will not be bothered by inconsequential things.

 

Crap. I am bothered. This is exactly the type of thing I'm talking about. We have a new to us house. It's the same age as I am. Thank goodness I'm in better shape than this house! We discovered a pretty big problem in our ensuite last night. The bathroom is not in great shape, but in keeping with my new outlook on life that not everything has to be shiny and new, I decided that I didn't care about the bathroom. As long as things are up to code, I'm happy.

 

Enter tub that drains into our family room. That does not make me happy! This is not supposed to be a blog about my house though, so how does this affect our plans to go to Japan?

 

Not being doctors or lawyers and having a tendency to like to acquire....toys and to go on trips, we don't have a huge nest egg built up. A bit. Part of The Plan is that my husband will be able to stay home with the little guy for the year that we are away. So not re-doing the bathroom was a strategic step to help save up as much as possible for this crazy adventure. We need to be able to cover our butts in case we don't find renters, etc.

 

And who wouldn't be annoyed by a tub that drains into their living room??? :p

 

So, I'm practising taking this in stride. We'll make calls, find out what to do in order to fix the situation and take whatever steps necessary to make this crazy plan work!

 

Aaaaaaauuuuuummmm.

 

There, that's better. ;) 

Forums, be gone!

Oh, forums. I have a love/hate relationship with them. On one hand, I've gotten some great information, insight and even friends on one forum in particular. They can be very intimidating places for outsiders on the other.

I almost posted on one last night. I wanted some information, but couldn't figure out how to get this information. I figured a forum focused on those living in Japan was the perfect place to get this info. I was wrong! I almost posted without having read any of the comments and getting a feel for the place. I know better and stopped mid post and took a look around. That was all I needed to feel like my currents of applying to the JET program and moving there for a year with my family was the worst decision I could ever make. Sigh. Thank goodness I didn't post, though! And I did end up finding a seemingly more supportive environment to ask my question. (Although I'm still waiting for my registration to be accepted - probably why there are fewer trolls!)

I confided in my husband and he reminded me that, unfortunately, forums can tend to attract those who are extremely unhappy with their lot in life, while (especially with the particular forum that I was reading) those who are content are off doing things that make them happy. Which is not surfing the web. ;)

So, today I'm feeling less confident but my husband won't let me give up. I still cannot get started on my application as the form is not available. As soon as it's out, I'll start working on it. And things will seem a lot more real. Eep!

Rejected, Part 2

I was rejected and I was devastated. Where to from there?

That was probably the most tumultuous time in my life. I was living with a guy who had been lying and cheating since the very beginning of the relationship. I had zero self-esteem, was probably pretty severely depressed, and looking back, I have realized that I knew that going overseas would end our relationship. It was the out I needed because I was so paralyzed by the fear of failure that I couldn't end the situation on my own.

But going to Japan was not just an excuse to get away. It was something that fit my interests perfectly. As I mentioned before, I had always been interested in Japan and I had studied teaching foreign/second languages. Perfect!

I don't really remember the time after receiving that letter very well. I do know that I decided I would get a working holiday visa and go over to Japan on my own. My partner at the time was seemingly supportive. He didn't want me to go without a job and I didn't really care. I found a job (at least I thought I had found one - I never actually heard the words "you're hired," but I went over anyway!) near one of my friends that was already living there and prepared to go over.

Sadly, this marked the end of my friendship with Sam. Up til this point, we had been very close. Inseparable. But in a crazy twist of fate, while I had failed the interview, Sam had done quite well and got into the program. Once I got over the initial sting, I was excited. She would go over with JET and I would find something near her - perfect! We'd have a grand time!

Sam had met someone though. It was an online romance and while it was still new and there was quite a distance involved, she did not want to end the relationship and decided not to accept the position. I was furious! I couldn't believe that she would give up such a wonderful opportunity for a guy that she barely even knew and I questioned her original commitment - what if I had gotten in? Would she have abandoned me?

Unfortunately, these were not internal musings. I wrote this all out to her in a letter and that was the end of the friendship. While I did feel that she was giving up a once (or twice) in a lifetime opportunity, I was too immature to realize that I was projecting my own disappointment with my relationship and rejection onto her. That was not fair. We've since regained contact, but our lives have diverged and we have never regained the same friendship.

This is turning out to be a long story. The ongoing saga will continue...

New Year's Blogsolution

Yesterday was my birthday. As my husband pointed out, it's a perfect time for making changes. I will not use this blog for indiscriminate ranting. 

If I blogged my rants, I'd be able to make five posts a day. I don't want to do that - I don't think it's healthy. So this blog will remain a [mostly, unless really really warranted] rant-free zone.

Back to your regularly scheduled posts...oh, it was a cliffhanger. 

*bites nails in anticipation*

Rejected

On to another adventure? Or not? Who knows!

What craziness do I have up my sleeve?

About two weeks ago, I became obsessed. I cannot say what the trigger was, nor can I pinpoint exactly when the insanity began, but obsessed I have been. This is not a new obsession - it's been around since I was seven. Some might say that I've already had my chance and I've indulged enough in this particular obsession. Unfortunately, I disagree.

I want to move to Japan. Not necessarily forever. But for longer and with more immersion into daily life than a vacation will allow. I tried this almost exactly ten years ago. September 22, 2001, I left on a jet plane and part of me never came back again.

At that time, I had applied to the JET program, which is a program that brings foreigners to Japan to teach English, or other langauges, to children in the public school system. I was fresh out of university with high hopes. All of my hopes, in fact, were pinned on that one aspiration. It's a lengthy and involved application process. I had to write an essay and get references from professors and employers. I sailed through the first stage, no problem.

I had it all planned out. I applied with my closest friend at that time. We both got accepted to the first stage. We had taken Japanese classes together and we had quizzed our professor to ask what part of Japan got snow. That was our criteria - snow! We settled on putting Niigata as our first choice and that was all she wrote. Once we passed the first stage, there was the interview. This is where I failed. I was so nervous during that interview. It was all I wanted in the world. Sam and I were going to go together, and other friends from university were already there. It was going to be great. I had lessons planned and I knew that the Japanese government had a diet rather than a house of commons. Who knows that?

But, in a lesson that I still carry with me, I learned that when you want something so badly, you can be your own worst enemy. I failed that interview. The JET program was looking for people who were "genki" - lively, active, easy-going. I proved that I was none of those in my interview.

I remember the day I got my letter as if it were yesterday. A thin 3.5 x 8 envelope, clearly containing only one sheet of paper. Not the fat, brown envelope that I had read about others receiving in the forums that I was reading online. To say I was devastated is not exaggerating how I felt. I started crying when I opened the letter in the elevator and melted into a puddle of despair as soon as I closed the door to my apartment. I don't know how long I was there, but I remember the body-shuddering sobs. I had wanted it so bad and I had failed. The only thing that I wanted to do and I was stamped "REJECTED".

In my mind, at that time, Japan didn't want me.

To be continued...